GAITHERSBURG, MD – Three men have embroiled their neighborhood in a dispute over who has the worst last name.
Neelkanth Dixit, Bernard Lipschitz and Richard Badcock are neighbors in Orchard Hills. They have been arguing for over 3 years and recently asked all their neighbors to settle the matter.
The dispute began shortly after Mr. Dixit, an electrical engineer working in the aerospace industry, moved to Gaithersburg. “Back in India, Dixit is literally a high class name, reserved for the Brahmin caste. It means Provider of Knowledge in Sanskrit. But then I emigrated to America. I thought it was odd that people would pronounce my last name very delicately. But then my neighbor explained what my name meant here and I was horrified.”
“I understand what he’s going through so I had to help him out,” said Mr. Lipschitz. “But he’s a prude who thinks asses are one way streets. And he has it easy because no one made fun of his name in high school like me. That’s when you’re at your most vulnerable. Now he thinks his last name is worse than mine? That’s complete bullshit. No one has a worse last name than me.”
Mr. Badcock disagrees. “Bernie needs to shut the hell up. I went through shit in high school too. I had trouble getting laid, damn it. You can look at Bernie and see his lips are clean. But people thinking there’s a problem with your junk? No one wanted to have sex with me. That’s just cruel.”
Things came to a head at last week’s homeowner’s association meeting. The three neighbors started arguing amongst themselves. They then decided to end the debate once and for all by asking everyone to vote on who had the worst last name. Mr. Lipschitz tried to make a motion to vote but was shot down by the HOA’s board of directors.
“We’re not wasting anyone’s time on petty arguments. We have real issues to discuss, like how many plastic flamingos are too many or whether people have a right to paint their house orange. But I’ll say this: these men are ignorant, privileged assholes. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman in a sexist society. They don’t know what it’s like to be objectified. They’ve never been catcalled. They’ve never been groped by drunks. They have it easy,” said the president of the board, Monica Cucci.